5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
You Might Also Like
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar