I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I hope this email finds you in a well
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”