Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic