I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right