[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.