Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive