me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Breaking news:
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?