Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.