Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.