my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.