Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
hackers play passwordle
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.