Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
black phone good
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.