I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
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Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.