Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“no gods no masters” = leo
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
<- sleeps well with others
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts