*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.