Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
You Might Also Like
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
tis the season
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time