8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
work smarter, not harder
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days