This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
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I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.