Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.