Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.