ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Uh oh…
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.