The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought