Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.