That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
You Might Also Like
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage