[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
why no one uses midhusbands
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.