Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?