When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol