Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month