Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.