*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name