Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting