Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”