Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
tis the season
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
who will stop them
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.