I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
These are my roll models.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.