PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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I think I’ll stand
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.