If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing