“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
The devil.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I put the h in mysterious.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England