I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.