“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Hey Fugeddaboutit
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
cats when you pet them too long:
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.