“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
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Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.