How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Ha
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Anyone really
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.