You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out