Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.