Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB