[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
You Might Also Like
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.