We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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