[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”