[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
You Might Also Like
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.