When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]: