[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.